B.L.T. Genesis

9 April 2007

In the beginning after He had created the heavens, and the earth and everything in it, God discovered a hunger welling deep in the pit of His stomach (being that man was created in God’s image, it can be assumed that God had a stomach) and on this day God had a mighty hunger.

“Let there be something that can satisfy my Godly hunger and let it come forth unto Me as I finish My divine duties,” God said.

And so God created snack time.

But what could possibly suffice to sate His holy hunger? He began with two slices of bread toasted to heavenly perfection and subtly slathered with mayonnaise. In between, He placed red tomatoes, green spinach and bacon. A simple, humble sandwich, but in its subtly lay the secret to Godliness.

Heaven is daily and God can be found in the simple joys that surround each and every one of us. The ingredients He selected were as close to the form in which He had originally created them and so the sandwich was an expression of the creativity and care imbued in the earth.

In those days Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden – a world without worry, where food was bountiful and everything needed was in arm’s reach.

In this blessed garden God shared with them His delightful sandwich and it was very good. Most days the pair would eat what they found on the trees and growing in the ground, but on special days, God betrothed to them His most cherished sandwich.

Just as God gave Adam dominion over the animals, He also gave Adam the responsibility of naming sandwiches.

“Today I have named all of the birds of the air and the fishes in the sea. I am tired, but I still have energy to find a name for this divine sandwich,” Adam said. “And so I will call it B.L.T.”

And it was good and all were happy.

But then this tale took a dangerous turn on the day Eve did the bidding of the devil and plucked that God-forsaken apple.

And God said,

“Because you have done this, you shall be banned
From all the animals
And from all the wild creatures;
On your belly shall you crawl
And dirt you shall eat
All the days of your life.
And I’m taking my B.L.T. back.”

God took his heavenly creation, the B.L.T., and scattered its component parts across the Earth. The sliced tomato was bound together into a bright red orb known as a regular tomato; the crisp, delicious bacon was hidden under the hide of the pig. Then he made the pig to eat the spinach so that man might be confused, for why would the pig eat the component parts of the B.L.T. when he could combine them to form God’s sandwich?

Then God broke the toast into tiny grains and placed them in sweeping fields. He also destroyed his only toaster.

And so man was bound to the earth gnashing and wailing outside the walls of Eden never again to see its bountiful food, its mild climate, nor its delicious sandwiches.

(To be continued at some point and time when I get bored again.)


One thought on “B.L.T. Genesis

  1. Mark H says:

    Hey…….thanks for visiting my blog, I had been having some trouble with it today, so was looking at the incoming spots for maybe a spammer…. AND so I visited and just had the best time reading about a sandwich that now, in the spring, is back on my mind every day. I LOVE BLT’s and am thrilled to have found a BLT expert like yourself! I just thought Garden of E. was about Sex. Damn! IT was FAR MORE than that if God took back the BLT and hid it up! THANKS for the GREAT time. You’re a great writer. I will want to visit again to see your next chapter! thanks.

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