Wal-Mart, Banana Republic, Dillard’s… ‘S’all the Same

So this has been bugging me for a bit and in order to form a more perfect union with my perpetual idol, Andy Rooney, I find it necessary to speak my mind.

There’s a Web site out there called ‘People of Wal-mart’ or something or other like that (I’m not going to link to it as I don’t want to push any  more traffic over there than necessary – don’t worry my faithful single reader, you’ll find it).

I’m often first in line to make fun of people when it’ll make me feel better about  myself or provoke a decent guffaw, but for some reason this site just seems mean-spirited.

picture of a guy from this lame site. The site's lame, not the guy.

The plot line involves photos of people found roaming the aisles of Wal-mart. It could be someone like the man in this image to the right, or a Latino with a mullet and MC Hammer pants, or a morbidly obese woman, or you when you’re wearing sweats with a baggy red thong peeking over the top… it could be anyone. And then they paste a snarky little comment alongside and call it a day.

I guess what galls me is that there’s no way for the people in the photo to take part. It’s like shooting someone in the back. And that is the primary shot composition.

I’d love to see a shot of the person taking the picture alongside the person in their photo. The entire site seems to belittle the good folks who shop at Wal-mart, yet the person making the photo is also shopping in Wal-mart.

I think this site could be really interesting if the people taking the pictures would talk to the people they shoot. Find out from whence their inimitable style sprouts or get them to take part willingly and proudly. It could become a sociological study chronicling how humankind has evolved from the good old hunter-gatherer-type to somewhat awkwardly-dressed, aisle-combers.

And you could spread it to other stores. Since we’re picking on Wal-mart, why not go shoot the folks at Banana Republic or some other store selling expensive clothes that were likely produced in the same factory as Wal-mart’s.

That is all. Thank you and good day.

(Disclosure: I used to be a huge fan of the site http://www.fugly.com which used to post crazy photos of people.)

Problems with Pants at Work, Pt. II

I have a nice pair of Paper Denim jeans.

I like them and they are very comfortable. They feel very good when I wear them. These are strange sentences.

This is what my pants look like.

That being said Paper Denim needs to do a little investigating into button improvement. You may – or may not – remember my entry, “Today My Pants Have Holes,” wherein I chronicled the mysterious appearance of holes in my britches. Well, now I’m at work and I’m having yet more problems with my pants.

This afternoon, while finishing up at the ‘loo,’ the button popped off my pants and plunked down before me gently settling to the bottom of the porcelain bowl.

I stopped, stunned, staring at the slightly yellowed water. I looked around me, as if someone was there to witness this event and then turned my attention back to the toilet. Should I just let it go?

For some reason, Paper Denim decided that their pants would benefit from a button that could be removed. Why, Paper Denim?!?! Why?!?!

I attempted to zip up my pants without the button, but it wouldn’t quite do. Plus, without a button, these pants would be rendered useless. So I did what any resourceful person would do.

I left the restroom and went to the cupboard where we keep the tools. I found a pliers and returned to the restroom. In this short journey, it was necessary to pass by two co-workers, but no one asked why I was returning to the bathroom with a pliers.

I plunged the pliers into the still somewhat bubbly water and fished out the button. I threw everything into the faucet and washed it all with great intensity. More so than I normally wash things.

From now on these shall be called Paper Potty Pants. This is a dumb story.

Coffee and Prostitution

I read this article today on prostitution at a coffee shop in Oregon and was reminded of this story I wrote back in the day about an adventure with a coffee whore while in Chile. Anyway, check it out here if you’re desperate for something to read.

Keep the Californication dream alive, gang!

Enter The Santa Fe Chip

“Did you just throw me the f#$%in’ finger?!?!” he bellowed in rage.

This is kind of what Mullet McJerkypants was driving

The 1981 Chevy pickup, a mildewy milk chocolate brown, sped up behind me and then slowed down and forced me off the road. With no one-way streets to zip down and no place to retreat, I pulled over and slowed down.

“Who the f&$% do you think you are?” he continued leaning over to the passenger side. As he blocked traffic, others began to honk their horns in displeasure.

Santa Fe is an interesting place. While it may give the impression of a laid back, slow-paced town, many of the natives have a breakfast burrito-sized chip placed firmly on their shoulder that can be triggered at the drop of a hat. I’m not sure what causes it.

In some towns you can blame the oppressive heat for keeping people on edge. In others it is based on horrid traffic patterns and a stressed populace. But in this instance I guess it could just be attributed to a random outburst from some heavily tattooed, mullet-sporting, curse-bag driving an old truck. Or drugs.

It was the end of a beautiful day and the sun was throwing its Tuscan-style light all over the town. I was on my bike at the intersection waiting for the light to turn. As I took off, the curse-bag honked at me and pulled up uncomfortably close. Naturally, as I am wont to do when riding my bike, I copped a self-righteous attitude and displayed my finger of indifference, which was not appreciated by this citizen.

He quickly pulled up beside me at a steady 10mph and shouted expletives my way before pulling in front and forcing me off the road and then pulling up on the curb to continue his tirade.

My pulse began to quicken as synapses fired and senses flared – fight or flight? – how do you defuse this situation?

Fortunately, another car witnessed the exchange and pulled up beside the truck and yelled at him to back off.

This is not the first time I’ve encountered the Santa Fe Chip and it will likely be the last, but I would like to thank the kind person who pulled up beside this belligerent motorist and allowed me to avoid the whole ‘fight or flight’ decision.

TSA Still Bites Donkey

Or actually, I should say Covenant Aviation Security, a private company charged with protecting our great land from threats unseen, still bites donkey. I wrote about this earlier here. On a return trip from California, I carefully wrapped my beloved Voightlander camera in swaddling clothing to protect it from the rigors of baggage handling. I have traveled fairly regularly over the past 10 years and have never had a problem packing my camera this way.

But on this recent trip, a screener decided to rifle through my belongings and found my camera. I assume s/he looked at it and seeing no threat, simply thrust it back in my backpack neglecting to properly wrap the camera.

This action resulted in the lens hood of my camera being bent and made unusable in the process of baggage handling. Once I discovered the problem, I attempted to contact Covenant Aviation Security to file a claim for this part of my camera. I did not receive a call back, even after making three calls to their offices. I imagine they were likely very busy incorrectly repacking bags so that other people could understand the joys of trying to file a claim with them.

It wasn’t until a blogger from the TSA read my blog entry on the subject that someone from Covenant Aviation Security finally contacted me saying that they’d never received my claim though I’d faxed and mailed it. I would like to give a shout out to Amy at Covenant who was very helpful though.

But then in December I received a letter, two months later, denying my claim. They essentially stated that they were merely doing the job the government wanted them to do and as such they had no responsibility. They would only pay for claims arising from negligence or intentional wrongdoing. 

While I don’t think it was intentional wrongdoing on the screener’s part, I sure as hell find him/her negligent. How can you go through the process of unwrapping an item and then not bother to rewrap it and just toss it in the bag and then blame the passenger? 

AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!! I don’t understand this world. How does protecting the good people of the United States from horrible terrorists involve also breaking their cameras? This is the last I will write on this subject embarking on more mirthful enchanting tales, but I just had to register my spite for Covenant Aviation Security in blog form once again.

If you have a chance, please send a letter to claims@covenantsecurity.com to tell them how much you love them.